


Your Destiny and My Fate

by Florence68



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Adultery, Angst, Depression, Divorce, F/M, Illness, Mental Institution, Post-Mockingjay, Pre-Epilogue, everlark, growing back together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2018-10-26 18:42:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10792476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Florence68/pseuds/Florence68
Summary: During the post-war years Katniss and Peeta recover, heal and take part in the reconstruction of the district. They slowly manage to find their peace and build a life together. It looks like the odds are finally in their favor but Peeta’s shocking and unforgivable deeds change the destinies of many…----------I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfil our destiny, but our fate is sealed.Paulo Coelho





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a non-commercial work of fanfiction. I don’t own 'The Hunger Games.' THG characters are the sole invention and property of author Suzanne Collins.

 

“Katniss! You came back?”

“Hello, Peeta! Yes, we came back for a vacation. We miss the woods and the hunting.”

“We?”

“Gale, Rory and I are hunters, and Hazelle and Vick are here because they are homesick. Posy and Lilly don’t have a choice”, she explained with a smile.

While I was wondering how long we will chat emptily and when I will get the chance to really talk to her, the door opened and Gale came out onto the porch with a baby in his arms. As soon as I set eyes on him, agitation began building up in me. I clenched my fists and breathed in deeply, trying to keep control over my petty, poisoned mind. In that moment, the baby in his arms began to wiggle, spreading its little arms toward Katniss. She took it with a smile and, holding it gently, turned to me, saying: “This is Lilly!” Looking at them, unable to understand what I’m seeing, I felt my legs failing me and gratefully welcomed the darkness that swallowed me…

 

Senseless thoughts were trying to break through to my consciousness while I was looking for a more comfortable position. I must have had another nightmare – Katniss had come back with Gale and his family and they had a baby. Just the mere memory of that dream is enough to throw me into a semi-feral state that could last a few days. Suddenly, I hear Haymitch’s voice: “He’s alright, he’s coming back…” What is he doing in my bedroom? No, impossible. It is real! Katniss, the baby, Gale… If I close my eyes firmly, everything will disappear. I don’t have to wake up. I don’t have the strength to wake up… Or a reason to…

“Haymitch, maybe you should carry him into the house. Should I call a doctor?” Katniss asked routine questions out of habit, the usual ones for when I fall into “my state.” Her voice harbored neither much concern to speak of, nor interest. Only simple neighborly attention. Oh my God, how much that hurts… And even more when I think of how everything is my fault. How I didn’t even deserve that much from her…


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the post-war years Katniss and Peeta recover, heal and take part in the reconstruction of the district. They slowly manage to find their peace and build a life together. It looks like the odds are finally in their favor but Peeta’s shocking and unforgivable deeds change the destinies of many… 
> 
> \------  
> I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfil our destiny, but our fate is sealed. 
> 
> Paulo Coelho

The first year after the war was the darkest. I found some perverted solace in the similarity between the ruins of Panem and those in my life. Haymitch, Katniss and I were in our own world, trying to find a way out of our personal hell and help each other. At first, our progress was condensed to one step ahead and ten steps backwards. With the help of Dr. Aurelius, we slowly introduced some routine to our everyday lives. Katniss spent a good portion of her time in the woods, Haymitch returned to his old habits and I started to bake bread. We were having dinner together several times a week. At the beginning, there was only silence at the table. Not a particularly uncomfortable one but it could be strenuous at times. Gradually, sporadic comments and nods turned into conversations about news from the district. When the discussions between Haymitch and Katniss started, spiced with some sarcastic remarks, not too seriously meant threats and eye-rolling, it became clear that our threesome evolved to be some sort of family. That thought, though unspoken, naturally was comforting for all of us.

People were slowly returning home. Also, new residents from other districts arrived. A renewal was important to everybody and the new life was slowly taking shape. First, we began cleaning up the ruins of the bombed district. Thom took over the organization of that project – a former miner, Gale's best friend. When we felt better, Katniss, Haymitch and I would help. Hard physical work did us good. And Victor's Village became livelier. The newcomers were accommodated in the only empty houses that had remained untouched by the bombing. After the lot had been cleaned up, family houses were quickly sprouting in the Seam.

 

During the second year after the war, the surviving owners of land in the Merchant circle used the fund for the renovation of the district to build shops and houses. Only about thirty families remained in the once overcrowded part of town, and each one of them had lost a family member. According to the construction plan, they were issued properties on the main street that circled the town's square, where a complex of buildings for the town administration shot from the ground – the court, the police station, the municipal administration. The rest of the center of the Merchant circle was divided into parcels and the construction of a doctor's and a dentist's office and numerous shops was planned there, such as a book shop, a beauty salon, restaurants and party places, the so-called clubs and bars, which, before the revolution, could only have been found in the Capitol and the wealthier districts. In the outer circle, at the border between the Seam and the Merchant circle, an elementary school and a high-school were being built, and unexpectedly, for many even unimaginably, a kindergarten, a library, a youth club and a large park. At the rim of the district, bordering the woods, the foundations for a modern hospital, a pharmaceutical factory, army barracks, a military administration building and a sports center, which was planned to entail an open-air and an indoor swimming pool, have been laid.

The mines had been temporarily closed. Thom was still the head of the entire project and was growing constantly with his tasks; he didn't hesitate to use all available means to get the most out of all the funds designated for the construction of Panem. I suspect that the secret partner responsible for a good portion of the plans and their quick approval by the Capitol committees was Haymitch. The entire concept of our new district promised a comfortable, manifold and healthy life – to everyone's satisfaction. That also drew numerous newcomers from other parts of Panem, who were settling our recently destroyed home in search for a new beginning.

In that period, while I was contemplating whether to open a bakery and continue my family's legacy, I turned to Katniss and, to my by no means little surprise, found unconditional support in her. Soon the bakery became our joint project. Just like we spent the first year after the war working on the Memory Book, healing our wounds, we spent this period making plans for the construction and the design of the bakery, supervising the construction work and preparing the grand opening. Constant work turned out to be a highly effective therapy for us. My rare attacks reduced to sudden flashes in front of my eyes that served as a warning for me to begin with my breathing exercises and grasp some large object firmly with my hands, usually the edge of the table or the back of a chair. Katniss was still overcome by sadness from time to time, but the deep depression and the catatonic state that I found her in when I came back from the Capitol didn’t recur. Even Haymitch was showing signs of progress – he became a free time alcoholic, which practically meant that he occasionally spent his weekends utterly drunk, while, for the rest of the time, he actively took part in the reconstruction of the district. That we had overcome the worst, we saw with our own eyes when we were showing out the TV-crew that covered the opening of the bakery. We had agreed to take part in that circus because Haymitch had talked us into it: He maintained that the public needed a good example and a motivation for the further reconstruction of Panem and that Katniss and I, as a symbol of the revolution, were an ideal example for how the good can win. In his way of a master manipulator, he added that that will convince the Capitol to approve more resources for our district. Of course, all of that just made us nervous and reminded us of everything we've been through. We didn't much enjoy the questions about the star-crossed lovers story either. But we stood in front of the camera together again, skillfully avoiding to give concrete answers and dismissing personal questions with a smile. After having been left alone, we gave ourselves over to healing laughter, happy that we survived that day without breakdowns…

 

At the beginning of the third year after the war, the construction period came to an end, and all shops, factories, institutions and administrations took up their business. It seemed as if the district has never been more alive. My everyday routine consisted of work at the bakery, dinners in the company of Haymitch and Katniss, some trips and gym visits. Katniss started working at the military institute, as a military sports trainer and administrator of the program for civilians. Only when she received the offer did I find out that, after the war, she was granted the rank of a major for her service in the battles, especially for the defense of District 8 during the air raid. I didn’t know anything about that phase of the war or her role in it. She was reluctant to speak of it. However, the job she was offered suited her perfectly and she enjoyed it from the first day on.

That period in our lives was marked by the gradual withdrawal from meds. At the end of last year already, we had both stopped taking our pain medicine. Letting go of it was not easy but together we did manage to go through with it. Considering that we were sitting in the same boat, we didn’t reproach each other for our attacks or the sea of insults that we would utter during these crises. The next phase was the getting off the meds against hijacking (for me) and the antidepressants (for Katniss). If signs of depression appeared, Dr. Aurelius could still give her a prescription. Taking her recovery into account, as well as the successful withdrawal from pain medication, a normal everyday routine and an ever improving physical state, thanks to training and the exercises she did at work, Katniss was almost her old self again. With regard to me, nothing was to be known for certain. I was the only surviving victim of hijacking and every new treatment was an experiment. Dr. Aurelius was optimistic because the venom levels in my body were minimal, I haven’t had aggression attacks for years, my relationship with Katniss was stable and friendly, and the attacks that would overcome me from time to time passed by, unnoticeable for the uninformed. Nevertheless, I was paralyzed with fear of the monster within me waking up and hurting Katniss. Then it became clear to me that one thing had not changed. I still loved her and she meant the entire world to me. These feelings were suppressed, stifled, put aside because of everything we've been through. Pain, suffering, medication… all of that has turned me into a zombie. Moreover, it was topped by incessant, tough work that lasted for months. If you add the withdrawal from the meds, it doesn't surprise me that I neither had the time nor the space to take a break and think about my feelings. Also, that hasn’t been particularly important because her everyday presence, the commitment to mutual plans and tasks and the growing friendship that was entirely new for the two of us was more than enough. But in the moment that I admitted to myself that I still loved her, maybe even more than before, with many more nuances and the addition of a sincere and strong friendship, trust and understanding, a fear of losing her was stirred up in me. It was a fear of her never reciprocating my feelings, of her rejecting me if she found out that I still loved her. That thought spiral pulled me down exceedingly. Scared that it would cause an attack, I quickly called Dr. Aurelius. He understood the depth of my fears at once as well as the potential danger my fragile mind was at. His calming voice automatically took effect on me. I began to relax and rationally analyze my feelings and the situation I was in. His advice was good and probably useless. Patience, relaxation, honesty… Who on this earth was capable of sticking to that while engulfed by feelings and doubts…


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the post-war years Katniss and Peeta recover, heal and take part in the reconstruction of the district. They slowly manage to find their peace and build a life together. It looks like the odds are finally in their favor but Peeta’s shocking and unforgivable deeds change the destinies of many… 
> 
> \------  
> I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfil our destiny, but our fate is sealed. 
> 
> Paulo Coelho

The third year after the war marked a change in focus within our daily routines as well as in district life. Still at the survival mode, we slowly mastered the art of living and, to our great surprise, _enjoying_. To some it came more naturally than to others. The survivors of the Merchant Circle had known about the small joys of life prior to the war too – either due to the parties they had had from time to time, the sweets, the fashion details, the weekly afternoon walks on Main Street that had ended in the town square, where in little groups they had exchanged news, flirted a little and gossiped a whole lot more… They simply returned to these habits, socializing, having fun, wholeheartedly adopting novelties brought by the newcomers from once wealthier districts. Both the older and the younger inhabitants enjoyed the perks of the park and pool, bars, bakeries, candy stores and restaurants. For folk from the Seam, all of these were the habits of people with nothing better to do, which left them with a feeling of unease. Prior to the war they rarely had had time on their hands and never had had money or possibilities to fill said time with small pleasures. Slowly however, curiosity trumped distrust and the Seam joined in on the districts’ social life. The line separating the two classes became almost invisible, mostly thanks to the newcomers that, unburdened by prejudice, socialized with people from the Seam _and_ the Merchant Circle.

In our family’s daily routine things were changing as well and some prewar differences between us resurfaced. Katniss was utterly disinterested and Haymitch declared these happenings to be “shiny cat toys for the idle as if damned Effie were pushing them through from the Capitol to spoil life for us honorable folks”. I on the other hand enjoyed these changes and took part in everything that would attract my attention and entertain me. The two of them patronizingly looked down on my enthusiasm, in the manner of a parent that tolerates the mischief and over-ecstatic states of their child. I took their reactions with a smile because for me they meant that I can give in to the fun and secure peace at home at the same time. That is how new habits were formed – I would spend my free time in the gym, at the pool, in bars, while Katniss would go hunting and Haymitch would indulge in his whisky behind closed doors.

Our evenings together soon became an experience full of rich variety. The ever better supply of food and exotic spices posed a challenge for me to try out countless new recipes and make new ones. Haymitch and Katniss enjoyed the food and appreciated my efforts, however, the dinner table decorations, the porcelain and the silverware left them majorly unimpressed. Aside from the card games after dinner, Haymitch and I also used to lose ourselves in hour-long chess games, and all of us liked to watch movies from time to time (they were not available to us before the war). Haymitch and I witnessed Katniss become a film lover with great surprise. With Effie’s help she passionately formed her own collection of old movies from the time before the Dark Ages that lay forgotten in the Capitol’s archives. Ever more often we had guests for dinner. Aside from Greasy Sae who had taken care of Katniss right after the war and had become a family member over time, the circle expanded to the Hawthorne clan, and also, following Hamitch’s invitation, Thom joined us from time to time. That’s how in the Victor’s Village slowly a mini Seam circle established itself in which I found my spot too. I was also rather happy when among the guests there was Delly who, to everybody’s surprise, managed to occupy a place in Katniss’ closed circle of friends.

The new dynamics were welcome at first. These changes overlapped with my personal confrontation with my emotions towards Katniss and enabled me to, following Dr. Aurelius’ advice, become more relaxed and patient. His recommendation to give the open conversation a chance I dismissed right away. Honesty has never been my strong suit. The fear of rejection was stronger than ever. To shield myself from it, I decided to create my own alternate mini-universe to which I included new acquaintances that had moved from other districts and old Merchant friends. Aside from the excitement that such novelty always brings, I felt my confidence grow because I slowly started splitting off as an individual from our war-trio. And after countless sessions with my psychiatrist and from personal experience I knew how important it is to build one’s own personality and be happy with oneself. Dissatisfaction arose when I became aware that Katniss didn’t give any weight to my growing independence. Deep inside I had hoped that my new habits, my company and parties would worry her at least a little bit, cause fear of losing me and force her to confront her own feelings.  

Unexpectedly I was faced with these feelings, when one night I went to a bar with my old friends and saw Katniss at the table in the corner in the company of a man who was leaning towards her, obviously absorbed in conversation. Judging by her glance and smile, he enjoyed her full attention and was able to entertain her. I observed them secretly, not wanting to say hi to her, unsure of my ability to control myself. Instinctively, I directed my attention to my friends, taking over the role of the charming, fun and oh-so-carefree guest of Caesar Flickerman’s show. My superficial company enjoyed the old Peeta, and Rose, the daughter of the prior owner of a flower shop, didn’t resist the urge to lean on me and shower me with equally honest smiles and the same charme that emanated from me…

The next day I was confronted with the joys of a noon hangover. While I was slowly coming around on the living room couch, I remembered the events of last night. I blacked out after my third cocktail, when I was heading out and found Rose in front of the bar. On top of the sickness and the headache, a feeling of anxiousness came over me. A cheerful voice which, considering the word count and its sing-songy quality, could only belong to Delly, startled me. She was barely at the door and she already started to bring order into the room – a glass of water with aspirin, opening the blinds, tss-tss-tss noises accompanied by her shaking her head… And explanations: “I couldn’t believe my own eyes when I saw you with Rose in front of that bar. Drunk. And all ready to smooch away. Tss-tss… Lucky Katniss didn’t see. I barely managed to bring you home. If Thom hadn’t come about, you would have slept on the sideway. Why, Peeta? By the way, Dalton opened the bakery. I let him know you were sick yesterday. Ok. I can see you’ll survive your hangover. I’m off. We’ll see whether you’ll survive explaining Katniss though. Hahah..”

One after the other. Routine. Showering, eating, cleaning up the house... Katniss... Where do I begin? A swarm of questions – who was she with at the bar, why, did she see me, did she see my thing with Rose, did she see that we left together, does she think that we are... – threatened to cause a panic attack. I have to focus on easy everyday tasks – showering, eating... When I’m done, I’ll go talk to Katniss.

During the afternoon I regained control over myself. I thought it couldn’t hurt if I showed up with kaiser rolls, especially as she had already announced beef for dinner. If I’m still invited that is. A cream cheese tart could help too...

While I was relaxing in the kitchen, fully focused on the dough, I thought about my talk with Dr. Aurelius from just a few minutes ago.

\- Why such a stormy reaction? If I understood well, you saw Katniss sitting in a bar talking to someone.

\- Yes. With some man I don’t know. One who looks like a damn career tribute, utterly charming like Finnick and all nice like Mags. With black hair like...

\- All of that you saw from the other side of the bar?

\- Yes! I mean, no. But I do know what can lure out a smile like that...

\- Maybe it was an informal hangout session. Meaningless, like your constant socializing and going out with friends that Katniss _accepts without a word_?

\- No. There are no meaningless hangouts. It wasn’t supposed to go that way! It’s all wrong!

\- Hmm?!

\- I mean... _my_ hangout sessions have some meaning. And they easily could have turned into something more. With all these girls, all careless and simple. But I... They were supposed to be a wake-up call for Katniss. To send the message that there is a possibility of things taking a different turn in my life... it was supposed to be a wake-up call and not...

\- Peeta, do you remember our conversations about defense mechanisms and conditional reflexes that are rooted in our childhood and form very early on and are an integral part of us and we often don’t even notice them?

\- Yes, yes... Manipulation, dishonesty, suppression of emotions... I know!

\- Maybe you should think about that.

\- Do you want to say that Katniss went out with that guy to make me jealous?

\- Hm.. Would she do something like that?

\- No! That’s even worse. It means that she’s actually interested in him...

\- Maybe it would be easier if you just directly asked her? And if you dealt with your own motives...

Dr. Aurelius is obsessed with such topics. Countless times he brings up our conversations on manipulation. I really don’t know what he’s trying to achieve with that. It’s not like I’m trying to push Katniss in a certain direction in order to _use_ her or _control_ her. So that has nothing to do with this situation.

A voice from the door ripped me from my thoughts:

\- Hah, I’m still capable of thoroughly surprising you. I came to warn you. Sweetheart is... Hm. Let’s just say you can choose – skip dinner or come armed...

\- Haymitch, I’m not in the mood for...

\- Oh, cheese cake tarts. I see you’re already preparing your weapon...

 


End file.
